Nia Chiaramonte is the author of I Hardly Knew Me: Following Love, Faith, and Skittles to a Transgender Awakening. With her wife, Katie J. Chiaramonte, she is the co-founder of Love in the Face (loveintheface.com) and co-author of Embracing Queer Family: Learning to Live Authentically in Our Families and Communities.
Nia is a nonprofit professional. Together, she and Katie work to support other transgender and LGBTQIA+ individuals and their families on their journeys of self-discovery. Both were featured in the Hulu documentary We Live Here. They live near Baltimore, Maryland, with their five children.
We talked with Nia about why she needed to write her memoir, what she loves about being a transgender advocate, and when we can expect her next project.
How was your experience writing this memoir and getting such a personal story down on paper?
Writing I Hardly Knew Me was an eight-year process, written in real time out of the necessity to process emotions during the core of my gender transition. I needed an outlet, and writing became that for me. When I went to put it together, I realized that as I got more emotionally healthy, there were hard moments that I didn’t write down in real time. I went back into those moments, many of them very difficult, such as dealing with abandonment by family members. I tried to include things that were impactful to me but not tell other people’s story or assume other people’s motives. If it wasn’t possible for me to do that, I left the story out.
I wrote because I had to, but when putting it all together, I had a couple of core audiences in mind. First, trans people. I loved reading trans memoirs during my coming out process and wanted to give trans folks the opportunity to be seen through my book. The other main audience was folks who may be curious, but lack the ability or relationship to talk to a trans person. My hope is that the book feels like an approachable conversation for those who need to learn more.
What do you love about the independent publishing process and being an indie author?
I love the ability to tell my story which may not have gotten attention by a larger publisher or the conventional process. The independent publishing process has been really collaborative too, with my publisher Lake Drive Books helping and challenging me each step of the way. It’s been a joy to uncover my story with the help of my publisher and still retain my voice and purpose.
Dive into Nia’s candid and powerful story of self-discovery!
What books or authors were most meaningful to you growing up?
I remember growing up reading The Boxcar Children by Gertrude Chandler Warner and Encyclopedia Brown by Donald Sobol among other books, and realizing books can make you feel something. Whether it was fear, relief, curiosity, sadness or something else, the way a book is written can make you feel. From those early books I’ve always endeavored to help folks feel through my writing. Whether that’s getting in touch with their own identity or just letting out emotions in a safe environment, I hope that my writing helps people feel something they haven’t in a while.
If you could give future indie authors a piece of advice about tackling a memoir, what would it be?
It has to be you, and it has to be honest. Anytime my writing started to slip into writing for a particular audience, I lost my voice. So I would say write something you would want to read rather than writing to an audience. Also, there is no right way to write your story, do what feels genuine to your personality and ultimately understand that book sales, or lack thereof, isn’t an indication of people accepting or rejecting your story. Ultimately you have to be proud of it.
…do what feels genuine to your personality and ultimately understand that book sales, or lack thereof, isn't an indication of people accepting or rejecting your story.
You co-founded Love in the Face and work as a transgender advocate. What is your favorite part of this supportive and community-building work?
As a Human Resources professional, I love creating safe spaces for people at work as people need it to thrive. I helped to create a safe space while working at my workplace in 2018, so much so that I felt like I could come out. When I did, I was fully seen, and others in the organization started to ask questions like, “I have a grandchild who is trans, can you help me find some resources?” I’d like to think that the safety I created and the open stance that I have in HR allowed people to come to me with questions like that.
Ultimately, my wife Katie and I started Love in the Face to support LGBTQ people and their families. In the process of mentoring trans people and their spouses, we learned a lot. Drawing from our own journey, we published Embracing Queer Family to help families move through the coming out process in a loving way, even when relationships feel unstable. It became the practical guide we wished we would have had as partners and for our family during the coming out process.
How was your experience filming the Hulu documentary We Live Here: The Midwest? How did you get involved with that project, and did it affect the way you went on to tell your story through this memoir?
We Live Here: The Midwest came into our lives by happenstance. A friend of a friend heard the producers were looking for a couple and after talking to them to understand their mission, we volunteered. That all happened in the course of three days, and they started filming five days after our initial conversation. It was a great experience, and ultimately we were so happy with how the producers took such care with our story and the stories of the other families in the Midwest.
After filming, we realized we needed to leave the Midwest. We had a lot of reasons to stay but the reasons to leave were piling up, including lack of family support and lack of a supportive state environment for LGBTQ rights. Until moving, all of my writing was bent toward the emotions that we would perceive as negative (anger, sadness, grief, pain), but in moving to Maryland, I was able to make the space necessary to reflect on my experiences in a positive light and be able to appreciate my upbringing, even the hard things, in a new way.
What do you hope readers take away from this incredibly personal and candid story of your life and journey?
Readers have had very positive reactions. The best responses have been that readers feel like they could see themselves in my story and felt seen by the story, and that they learned something. Both were goals of mine in putting the book out into the world, so I love when I hear that the book is approachable and helpful.
My hope is that those who are curious about the trans experience but may not have a productive outlet for that curiosity can approach this book to learn. I also hope that the narrative around trans people can start to change when we start to listen to trans people in their own words. There are so many of us speaking up now and sharing our stories, and they’re all unique.
What is coming up next for you—in writing, advocacy, or personal growth?
Now that I’ve put myself out there with this book, I’ve enjoyed just living everyday life with my kids and wife. That being said, a lot of my passion around writing comes from watching family sitcoms growing up, especially the TGIF block on ABC. When rewatching with my kids, they asked why there weren’t families like us on TV. I realized it’s a good question and decided that I would write a sitcom pilot for TV based on our family. That project is pure fun and merges my love for writing and comedy and should be done this year.
